


In which Sylvain gets bitch-slapped by Dimitri

by A_Pathetic_Eel



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Banter, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Innuendo, M/M, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:34:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23866099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Pathetic_Eel/pseuds/A_Pathetic_Eel
Summary: "C'MON DIMITRI, WE ALL KNOW HOW BADLY YOU WANT OUR PROFESSOR BYLETH TO TOP YOU."Dimitri went stock-still mid-step. Sylvain looked into the classroom to see Byleth giving him a half-amused look with his brows thrown up. He didn't look any sort of ruffled, but then again, Sylvain hadn't really expected him to be. He looked back to his friend with the most shit-eating grin he could muster."I..." He turned to look at Sylvain, more mortified than angered, "I DON'T.""Oh, you don't? But imagine, my dear, naive, pining friend. It'd begin with you two swordfighting but sexy swordfighting and then you'd get pinned by Prof to a wall or something and be all like 'Ooohh, Proffffessorrrrr' and he'd be all like 'wanna have some private tutoring baby?' and then you'd go back to his room and-"Sylvain was on the ground clutching his jaw before Dimitri really realised what had happened.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & Sylvain Jose Gautier, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 5
Kudos: 77





	In which Sylvain gets bitch-slapped by Dimitri

**Author's Note:**

> dont take this seriously 
> 
> it's a bday gift to myself ig
> 
> this is so lazy

  
\----------------  
It was as peaceful as a school with warriors-in-training could get. Ignoring the brutish yells from the nearby training grounds, the various snide remarks from the particularly uppity nobles and the screech of wyverns and Goddess knows what else was in the school, it was actually quite a nice day to just sit in the grass and think. It was all rather pleasant honestly.

But then again, this is Garreg Mach, and Dimitri is the ambassador of bad luck.

Today, the Goddess smit him with Sylvain, a close friend of his since childhood he really wishes would just _get off his ass_ sometimes. He could take Sylvain's teasing rather well, but Dimitri had his limits on what he would and wouldn't take. And boy, was Sylvain pushing them.

"And so I say to her, I say: 'If you wanna get in my pants you gotta be able to take off my shirt!'" The red-head burst ingo laughter at his apparently hilarious 'joke', if it could even be called that. Dimitri sighed and leaned back into the tree, the hard oak pressing uncomfortably against his back, pressing the metal of his uniform into his skin enough to leave a mark. Sylvain's squaking was hard to ignore when they leant against the same tree and was directly next to his ear. He silently hoped Ingrid would come and slap some sense into him, lest he finally do it himself.

Sylvain stopped cackling once he realised Dimitri had stopped paying attention. Unamused, he put his arms behind his head and looked at the clouds, trying to think of another conversation to pester his friend with.

"Y'know Your Highness, that chic from Golden Deer's hella cute."

Dimitri once again ignored the talk in favour of watching the still horizon. He could see a horse and wagon on a nearby hill, a grey-speckled one. He did his best to take in as much detail of it as possible if it meant _some_ escape.

Boredom slapped Sylvain in the face at not having anyone to bounce his musings off. "The pink one. Kinda lazy? I mean, I don't dig her attitude or whatever but her tits?" He whistled, "Hooo mama! Hips are... only alright though."

He scratched a root of the tree, bark sticking under his nails as he glanced at his house leader. He'd usually've interjected to make a comment on not referring to women like that by now, but he just had an ever-familiar look of annoyance on his face. Dimitri was on his a-game today, and it appeared he wasnt going to crack easily. _What topic would get His Highness to split?..._

"Do you like anyone?" He inquired. It was innocent enough. He watched as Dimitri finally acknowledged him with a shrug of the shoulders.

"I like lots of people."

"That's not what I meant and you know it." Dimitri gave a very indifferent expression and turned away completely. 

Now faced with his back, Sylvain thought of something a little more devious. A result he came to after careful study of his dear friend over the past few months, specifically when he was training with a certain someone. It was simply a matter of how to phrase, what sort of context he should put it in. The art of annoying Dimitri was fine and had to be precise in order to receive the required results.

"Sooo..." ' _Keep it casual Sylvain, don't fuck this up.'_ "... you wanna fuck Professor Byleth?"

Sylvain was certain if Dimitri could've jumped in the air while sitting, he would've, however physics prevented that and so he only tensed from head to toe. "I- SYLVAIN!" He was certain the Prince was completely red by now, "I-is that a sort of twisted invitation or- "

"No, but let's face it, you'd totally accept it if it was."

Dimitri turned back around, brows furrowed, his stark blue eyes in striking comparison to the flushed, deep red of his face. "Do not make such... such... inappropriate accusations! About our own Professor no less! I should report you to HR! Or Rhea!"

Sylvain put his hands up in defense. "Chill, Your Highness, talking about doing your teachers in totally common! Fuck, you should hear the conversations about Manuela that she allows." Hearing this didn't temper Dimitri's anger in the slightest. 

"It doesn't make it any less wrong! I-" He stumbled for words, looking at the grass for some sort of grounding. It was hard to take him seriously when he was as red as Edelgard's cape - it completely gave away his opinion on said Professor. "You... you simply shouldn't say such disrespectful things. Byleth is a respectable and capable man, and yes, while I do find him attractive, I wouldn't..." He faltered, the thought of actually having the Professor momentarily crossing his mind, "ever consider him... in such a... f-foul and humiliating way!"

The smirk on Sylvain's face was so punchable.

However, the look passed quickly, resuming a carefree expression, only a glint of mischief in his eye. "I don't blame you for wanting to do him."

"I don't-"

"I mean, like, if I had to pick a dude - I'm not gay, but if I had to! -, he'd be pretty high on the list. I'm curious as to what such an emotionless guy would do to be honest. He's so fit and strong after all," he watched Dimitri squirm, seemingly have made some sort of reluctant peace with the fact Sylvain wasn't shutting up any time soon, "...I reckon he could take someone like you, assuming you're as much of a bottom was you act. And he does look oh-so good post-workout doesn't he? All red and panting and sweaty~..."

A **_rriiiiiiiippp_** broke the air as Dimitri dug his fingers into the fabric of his tights a little too hard. It would be impossible for him to be any redder - he might as well be a Black Eagle with the shade. "Sylvain... I am begging you... to shut the actual fuck up. I was having a nice day-"

"Whoa, watch your language, Your Highness!" It was playful but Dimitri sent him such glare that if looks could kill, he'd be mutilated in the bottom of a ditch at Gronder Field. "...But am I lying about Mr. Sexy-Professor?" He teased.

With a resounding and fed-up sigh, Dimitri stood up with a groan. "I'm leaving."

"Aww, so soon?" His companion pouted, but he stood up as well. "I'm not letting you escape your ear-bending that easily." 

He followed behind Dimitri (definitely not mockingly following him like he'd follow the Professor like a puppy) until they got the front on the three houses. Sylvain hadn't said anything on the walk back, but then he glanced into the Blue Lions classroom and saw Byleth. Dimitri was about to walk past under the arches until Sylvain, ever subtle and kind Sylvain, loudly exclaimed:

**"C'MON DIMITRI, WE ALL KNOW HOW BADLY YOU WANT OUR PROFESSOR BYLETH TO TOP YOU."**

Dimitri went stock-still mid-step. Sylvain looked into the classroom to see Byleth giving him a half-amused look with his brows thrown up. He didn't look any sort of ruffled, but then again, Sylvain hadn't really expected him to be. He looked back to his friend with the most shit-eating grin he could muster. 

"I..." He turned to look at Sylvain, more mortified than angered, "I DON'T."

"Oh, you don't? But imagine, my dear, naive, pining friend. It'd begin with you two swordfighting but _sexy swordfighting_ and then you'd get pinned by Prof to a wall or something and be all like 'Ooohh, Proffffessorrrrr' and he'd be all like 'wanna have some private tutoring baby?' and then you'd go back to his room and-" 

Sylvain was on the ground clutching his jaw before Dimitri really realised what had happened. He withdrew his fist and glanced at the blood covering the dark fabric. 

Great. Another awful act to add to his list of awful acts. This isn't going to haunt him later.

But then again, he couldn't say he regretted it; not when Byleth was right there. Surely he'd have something to say about Sylvain's behaviour. His expression floundered between apologetic and firm in his actions. Instead he simply resolved to a "I didn't mean to hit you so hard." With that, he gave a final, embarrassed glance to a grinning Byleth and left. 

\-----

"So..." Byleth practically purred, voice as sweet as honey but as husky as a hardened warrior. Dimitri flushed as he came and rested at the Prince's side. "What was Sylvain saying about sexy swordfighting?"

"I- Professor-!" 

"Relax, I'm only teasing you. You are ever-so adorable when you're embarrassed." He gave a rare chuckle and sauntered off somewhere, Dimitri left to look on in confusion and definitely-not-staring at the Professor's _fine ass_. "Also, don't hit students. You dislocated Sylvain's jaw! I mean, don't get me wrong, I love hearing him be quiet but I don't need to be sued."

**Author's Note:**

> Sexy swordfighting


End file.
